No Words

The news came as a blow. Even though there had been rumbles during the afternoon something was very wrong, the suddenness of the inevitable was, quite frankly, shocking.

Queen Elizabeth II is gone. We all knew it was coming. She looked frail, she was shrunken and stooped but still she had that wonderful smile and still her eyes sparkled and on Tuesday, 48 hours previously she was greeting the new Prime Minister. I know you know all this. I know you've all been watching the news but for me and probably many others, the fact we had an official picture of her in the drawing room at Balmoral smiling on Tuesday, then the announcement of her death yesterday is just too much to take in.

I've never been a huge Royal follower but I like the Royals and I do believe they bring a lot of revenue into our country and yes she lived, as do they all, in absolute luxury with the best of everything, but it is very much a gilded cage they cannot escape from. And indeed she never sought to. But what a life, no matter how she felt in the morning she still had to get up and present herself to her country. She had to make conversation with people she had nothing in common with, didn't understand and in some cases I'm sure, didn't even like. Who would want that? I know I certainly wouldn't.

We have a long history of the monarchy which is turbulent and violent but it is has made the British Isles what they are and what we are as a people. As a history lover, I think it's unique, it's addictive and as I've just heard someone on BBC News say, it is mystical and magical and I absolutely get this.

This has made me think about life, as I have on previous occasions when I have suffered a personal bereavement or have shared in the public grief of the death of Princess Diana and more recently Prince Philip. These are lives that have finished, lives that have been lived, emotions experienced, work has been done and all that has ceased. All that energy, that being, that space is no longer filled. How can that just disappear. How can that just no longer be present? I'm not religious in the standard way - I have my own views which are more of a pagan thinking which means I believe our souls move on to another place but even so, my mind still cannot fully comprehend the full stop of life.

I fully believe that we are never supposed to understand death, it is beyond our human capacity as to what happens on death - if anything. As stated, I have my beliefs and I believe that death isn't the end but I cannot know that 100% and no-one else can either. And it's dizzying to think about it too much.

Not my normal sort of post. It isn't eloquent or well edited - I just wanted to get something out there. Writing and talking is cathartic and I need to talk this out because I'm feeling hollow. It's the strangest emotion to feel for someone you never knew, never met and was always very remote, but she was always there. It was always a treat to see a news report on one of her Royal engagements to see that smile, comment on the fabulous outfits, the hats. And that's now gone.

So we enter an new era - King Charles III. This is exciting despite the sadness. I think Charles has had bad press over the years and we cannot possibly begin to understand the intricacies of the Royal Court and the pressures on him as the heir to the throne, especially back in the 80s. I hope everyone gives him the chance he deserves and grow to respect him in time.